Oh, Jamie…it was so gorgeous to watch you.  You looked sooo handsome; no one could keep their ever-lovin’ eyes off you. Talk about Command-and-Control; you got it, babe…in spades!

I just thought I’d just plain die when that idiot of a Corker asked you to give the fuckin’ Committee advice! “If you were sitting on this side of the dais, what would you do to make our system safer than it is, and still meet the needs of a global economy like we have?”  Ha!  They know who’s the King of the Swingin’ Dicks, don’t they?  Wonder how many of em still own your bank stock, ha ha!

But when asked, ““What would society be like without these institutions?”, and you went all poetic about all the good you do for widows and orphans or whatever it was…I swear I practically swooned with pride and love, you sweet thang, you.

But it was just too much to bear when that darlin’ Mike Crapo and that ol’ coffin-sleeper deMint asked you what they ought to do next to keep ‘the industry operating smoothly’, you fucking volunteered to pitch a tent (yes, dear; pun intended) in their offices to help em out, no matter how long it took.  My stars; what a patriot you are!  Shoot, I’ll bet your friend Barack’ll probably five ya a goddam Medal of Freedom soon…and he’ll inscribe ‘BJ’ on the back side of it…heh.

But shame on you, O my heartthrob.  I’d just come back into the living room with fresh coffee, and had taken a big ol’ sip when one of em asked you about the Volcker Rule and those little temporary losses you sustained…and you said, “I don’t know…it’s sooo complicated!”  Well, I just blew coffee right outta my nose, I swear, and never did stop laughin’ and sneezin’ for a full five minutes!  Used six hankies; I should charge ya for the laundry bill, you wag, you!

Love forever,; call me soon

w

p.s. The enclosed CD is a little bitty bribe to entice ya to tell me how those blow-jobs felt; these weren’t any ordinary blowjobs, you realize.  They came the most important and influential Senators in modern history.  I think of you every time I hear it…and wonder if  some of Joel’s moves are why your codpiece jingles when ya walk, dear!

(With appreciation to George Zornick at The Nation.)

JUMP, YOU FUCKERS!