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(thanks to lakeshore baby, via flickr)
Face it, folks; it’s a scary world out there. While few of us used to think a lot about self- defense, across the United States…statistics tell us that a violent crime occurs every 24 seconds and a property crime every 3.4 seconds (on average). We wouldn’t be surprised to hear that many of your loved ones have to medicate themselves in order to sleep at night, or even to maintain any semblance of decorum during the day. Fear Kills; that’s all there is to it. Recent crime statistics prove it: they really are out to get you. Thankfully, you and your loved ones are smart enough to have begun comprehending that fact.
Americans are increasingly turning to TASER® to provide the comfort that only we can provide. We ask you to imagine your loved ones carrying one of our many ECDs, secure in the knowledge that they can immobilize felons long enough to get away and find help.
Unlike stun guns, which require personal contact to zap them, our no-fuss, no-muss ECDs can shoot barbs accurately from fifteen to twenty-five full feet away, so Auntie Gladys and Grandpa Earl never even have to smell them before they put them on the ground .
Consider our new TASER® X26c ECD (electronic control device).
It’s based on our law enforcement-grade TASER® X26 personal defense products, and gives you the same unprecedented take-down power trusted by thousands of police officers every day. It uses Shaped Pulse™ Technology that utilizes a high voltage leading edge to penetrate up to two inches of clothing around the body, followed by a lower voltage stimulation pulse to cause Neuro Muscular Incapacitation. Just think: when you flip the safety into the armed position, the device is ready to deliver an incapacitating pulse that is designed to override the sensory and motor functions of the nervous system. This powerful Neuro Muscular Incapacitation (NMI) technology has been effective against even the most aggressive individuals, including those under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Always think Self Defense!
The lithium battery pack allows for up to 50 trigger pulls, depending on ambient weather conditions, of course.
Worried that Grandpa can’t aim so well? Well, this model comes with a handy laser sight and low-intensity light that will guarantee that he gets his man.
For the man of the house, we offer our brilliant Home Defender X-3 HD, which can send incapacitating charges to up to three separate criminals without reloading; that ain’t chopped liver, friends. It comes with three laser lights for targeting ease, and two extra cartridges in case you miss the first time.
Ah, but you’re wondering if the ladies in your life will find these models a little macho-looking for their liking. Fear not! These two models, the C2 Platinum package comes loaded with features, and is available in Red Hot Red, black, Taser Yellow, titanium, Electric Blue, and of course, our favorite Fashion Pink.
Imagine her surprise when she opens her Holiday Gifts this year!
Now once you receive your order, we do require you to register it, and pass the background check before we send you our CheckLock™ activation process key. Be assured we collect no personal information on children under 13.
You can see our full line of ECDs for law enforcement here.
We here at TASER® International are committed to safety, and have spent over approximately 4.5 million dollars in the past 5 years for medical research our products, and generated the best reports money can buy.
For instance, An AMA report finds that Taser®s, when used appropriately, can save lives during interventions that would have otherwise involved the use of deadly force (reading the full report is really not necessary). The National Institute of Justice says much the same thing, although we do now only claim that these devices, when used according to our instructions, are ‘less lethal’ alternatives instead of our former ‘non-lethal’ designation. That change came about due to some silly pressures by Bleeding Heart Bloggers; you’ll no doubt understand what wimps they are. Wikipedia: Taser Safety Issues, ha!
Did you know that:
Taser®s ECDs have been used over 2 million times on humans? That Statistically speaking, Tasers are far safer than high school sports? That a Taser® has about a tenth of the peak current of a static shock? That deployment of ECDs can reduce law enforcement injuries by 86%? The savings to police and sheriff departments has been massive; in Houston alone, they saved the department over a million dollars in workman’s comp claims, and lowered police ‘excessive force’ claims by 95%!
They are an elegant tool in the war against crime to have both at home and in your local law enforcement departments.
So this holiday season, give the gift that keeps on giving: personal protection. Our motto is: Get them before they can get you! Always think Self Defense!
Ask your local LEOs if they are armed with these life-saving jewels; if not, tell them to advocate for them; they’ve already saved 96,554 lives.
Watch this video on our C-2 model; you’ll be impressed. And remember: No matter how many times you pull the trigger, you’ll never feel a thing!
42 Comments
I’d been musing this week about one thing that Tasers and drones have in common: remote-control harm, of course, meaning neither drone operators or cops who tase repeatedly…ever even feel it, feel anything.. I confess, guns strike me much the same, and I could make a case that death in war should be required to be up close and personal, as with a bayonet.
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that citizens buy these devices to protect themselves and their wheelchair-bound grandmothers from chickenshit police torturers.
Outstandingly good, including your supplementary comment.
The comment about Tasers also applies to all “non-lethal” weapons.
It seems to me that the alienation from the practical consequences has already occurred when someone decides to use any weapon against someone else. There seems to be a Milgram-like effect about weapons and military training is as much about discipline in not using the weapons as in overcoming natural empathy for other people. Legitimate targets are assigned a role—”enemy” “criminal” “terrorist”. Not much different from Milgram’s “test subject”.
Finally, my anxiety about what to get everyone for the holidays has been alleviated, just one question, which models handle is the easiest to notch?
Perfect. I’ll tell my kids right away that I want one for Christmas. I can practice on the dog – won’t that be fun.
Thank, Wendy. Tasers today – bazookas tomorrow.
Er…way ta go, dear; I think you just did.
(Way to turn it on its head. Creative thinking.)
Wow. Just wow. That commercial belongs in a Robocop movie. Silly science-fiction writers, always coming up with pure fantasy that will never come true.
Uh-huh.
Recc’d.
wd–
Can’t believe it. My DSL (which has been out, so using mobile broadband) kicked in just before you posted this diary, so I got to watch your video. Incredible! I can’t believe that these devices (or weapons) are even legal.
But, hey, already asked Mr. Blue for an “electric blue” for Xmas. LOL!
Thanks, and recommended.
Blue
Heh. On an unrelated note, I’m often wrong.
I had to go sit with your sentence on ‘alienation from practical consequences’ for a bit, THD. My initial reaction from the few words (meaning incomplete comprehension) that pinged in my brain reflexively wanted to say that I know that given the right circumstances, could kill or accidentally another human being, and that only by way of trying to stop them from those I love.
But of course, that reflexive action would nullify my thinking of practical consequences in the moment, so yes, you’re right.
I have more than a few times stupidly leapt into frays to prevent The Many beating up The One. My personal Coyote Angel always managed to keep from great harm. Fools, idiots, and all that, I guess.
Thanks, THD.
Dear wendydavis,
Being as your now obviously teck enhanced, I hope you can answer my grandpa’s question. See, he wears a scrotum ring (so he won’t lose his keys) and his wife (my third step-grandma) has a tongue stud. Grandpa wants to know if the laser dingus will backfire.
TIA,
a devoted fan
;o)
Hmm, this might be just the thing for Halloween.
Well, blueokie, they all come protected by our high impact polymer unibody construction. That shit may be hard to notch unless you use a metal blade on a bandsaw er something.
What I usually suggest for the Macho Man or Huevo Woman who wants to show how many hits they’ve made more easily is to purchase some of our apparel, then pimp it out to yer heart’s content. (Good idea for a new product line, though: self-congratulatory pin-on medals.) Hmmm.
(Grin) …and thanks, Barbarian.
Welcome, Electric Blue. ;o)
Heh. (So are we, and I mean that in the ‘corporate’ we.) ;D
LoL, Twain! Will yer doggie still love ya in the mornin’?
Dear TIA Maria, (hadda google for thanks, etc.)
Given the nature of electricity, tell Gramps that The Wave Pulse cannot Blowback into him.
OTOH, he might run some risk if he slides open the activating button before he’s sighted in his ECD. And *if* Grandpa were to accidentally shoot himself in the balls, we would not be liable for damages, which is the most important thing.
But, you might want to take him aside and suggest that it could happen that way, and suggest he get a *rubber* scrotum ring to replace the metal one. If the aforementioned accident were to occur, that metal ring might make a Big Sting.
Re: Third step-Granny. Well, my take as a person *and* a corporate shill would have to be that anyone who has a tongue stud deserves whatever the fuck comes with it.
Of course, Gramps may have twigged to that, and is OLO for wife #4. ;o)
Updated:
Mr. wdan underling just checked to see what a scrotum ring is; I’d pictured something quite different, as it turns out. Anyway, there was a recent diary here asking what materials Rain and Benjamin might have used to cause feedback to the Tasering cops who tortured them during their XL Pipeline actions.But even though Grandpa’s thing doesn’t seem to be a medical device, he should be mighty careful not to shoot himself.
Aah, you’re so 20th century, M’dear…! Why tase when you’ve got LRADs and Active Denial Systems…?
Wow; a Wonder Woman costume avec une TASERE chaude rouge! Magnifique!
(apologies for the HS Froggery)
(Speaking of Halloween, though, the Culture Jammers are planning a DC party that night. Tactical Briefing #39.) ;o)
Heh. You ever try to slip one of those mofos inta yer pocketbook, dear?
Yeah. Thought so. ;oP
Night, everyone. Keep yer powder dry. ;o)
Sweet dreams, wendy…! *g*
Superb stuff!
Wendy, you have used barbed humor so effectively, in this piece, that the shock of its spot-on accuracy will reverberate for decades.
This well-honed effort is definitely in the class of Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” and it has the potential for electrifying the awareness, if not the conscience, of millions.
It reminds me, in a round-about fashion, of a comment that a crew member who flew high-altitude bombing runs over Vietnam once made, “War was truly hell on those days when the air-conditioning wasn’t working …”
The further “one” is removed from “humanity”, when inflicting pain and death, the more more ubiquitous will become that pain and death and, you know, that doesn’t only apply to the “one” who pulls the “trigger”, as whole nations can, rather easily, become oblivious to the pain, death, and mayhem committed in their name.
Of course, when empires, even so-called “democracies”, have run their “course”, the ability to ignore pain, death, and mayhem, at a distance or, and perhaps especially, “up close”, becomes a practical necessity on the part of all good citizens … just as “discretion becomes the better part of valor”, so too does the ability of becoming blissfully oblivious come to epitomize the “well-balanced” and patriotic.
Ah, well, carry on lass, you are one of my very favorite posters at Firedoglake … and, judging, from the number of comments your posts inspire, I am not alone in that consideration. While I don’t always, or even often, these days, have much time to comment as your posts and thoughts deserve, I always check to see if your name is in the lights … and, when it is, I always take the time to read what you have to say … so well and and so very powerfully.
DW
Well, hell, David; your praise just cause me to rec this me-ownself, lol. Juliania said something about my posts once that I wish I could find again…about how the material or events struck me at a given moment seemed to cause me to report in different voices…or something. (Wish I could say it better) But it didn’t take long to reckon that satire was the only vehicle open to me.
Well said about the reflexive need for people to look the other way (I add: in feigned, protective indifference) as the empire recedes, and we begin to sense that the Emperor truly has no clothes. W can look forward to one day declaring this government too toxic, therefore irrelevant.
And damn; I loved the ‘air conditioning’ quote. Made my mornin’, dear.
;o)
As an aside, and mirroring your ‘discretion, valor’ theme, I’d been musing a bit about choosing the play on words ‘semblance of decorum’ rather than the traditional (and different) ‘sense of decorum’.
(Just deleted my explanation of what trips into history and convention all that brought, but you’ll likely sense where I was going with it.)
Thanks for reading, and the good comment, DW.
“Barbed humor” – good one, DW. And wendydavis, you had me doing spit takes with my coffee. The best part is that it is impossible to tell where reality stops and hilarity begins. I suspect you’ll be getting job offers from the lovely folks at TASER. Marketing skillz such as these do not come cheap.
My, I am in good company this morning – Jonathan Swift, wendydavis, DWBartoo and friends! ( Not to mention a goodly dash of the aircombat pilot, Howard Zinn.)
On your original bayonetting remark, wendy, I hang my not-so-coincidental Salvation Army acquisition, a pristine copy of Dostoievski’s ‘Crime and Punishment’Constance Garnett translation complete with illustrations of a dark and lugubrious nature. The hero therein, Raskolnikov (which translates to ‘Old Believer’) accomplishes his murder with an axe, which only goes to show that even plowshares can become weapons in the right hands, if one is attempting to prove a theory.
Do we need a new great novel to convince us that electricity, which has the solar potential to be our modern best version of a plowshare in renewing the purity of our planet, can be the agent of destruction for the individual psyche that thinks him or herself immune to the consequences?
Apparently we do.
Highly recommended.
Mornin’, Miz Firecracker. ;o)
Hell’s bells; all I can say is that when I believe in a product, I can sell it, eh wot?
Congratulations on your great find, juliania, and thanks for the literary analogy, and turning it on it’s head. Excellent, as was the translation of Raskolnikov (gives pause). ;o) And…your ears must have been burning. And again yesterday when a friend and I were singing your praises on da phone (as well those of so many other good ‘uns here).
Was it a Zinn quote? Yeppers; I am a fan of sublime absurdity. One of my favorite opening lines was Sartre, I forget which one now…
‘Lulu liked to sleep naked beneath the sheets because she love to feel the caress of silk on her skin, and also because laundry was expensive.’ (or something close) ;o)
Write the novel, woman; you write so well, and better than I, for certain.
Rubber! I showed Grandpa you’re reply, and he went all petit mal, then drawed a pitcher of a rubber-backed full body mirror shield. Call’s it the ‘Persius Defense Offense’. Now he’s looking for Angel Venture Capital and say’s your helpful. ;o)
Er…would Gramps let us look at it? I could have our CEO take a look at it, see if we could help. But be advised that Rick Smith’s busy right now spreading around some
philanthropicpublic relations bucks right now, so… Grapms’ll have to take a number for now.Next week is the big AMA conference, where contributions are large *and* necessary, you see.
Gramps just googled some stuff — ‘police’ + ‘sting’ and now he’s downloading “Don’t Stand So Close To Me”.
ps: he won’t send it, says you only want to reverse engineer it (his actual words were “No, they’ll revenge engineer it”).
Hmm, mayhap I shall follow the path of a later couple of translators and simply change a word here and there in the original…that would work. (‘Taser’ for ‘axe’, ‘Fundieson’ for ‘Raskolnikov’) The fact he’s a student could still apply…and for ideology, well, exceptionalism fits that bill.
I had to put in Howard Zinn as it has always impressed me that, Saint Paul-like, he always knew he had been the greatest of sinners and brought up the remoteness of bombing from the air as a delusional Mephistophilean trick in many of his speeches.
Is there a Nieman-Marcus version with embedded emeralds such as we might see in a century’s time on Antiques Roadshow? I only ask because it’s been a while since I actually saw a catalogue of theirs. Quite a while, really.
Well, in Grumpy Grampy’s honor. OTOH, he’s wrong; we would have Grunge Engineered it. Always a step ahead in the Personal Defense world. Oh. Wait.
Ha; I love it.
Srsly, back when our company only sold the up-close-contact stun gun, it came with a choice of holsters for the fashion conscious. (I had leopard, myself. But no be-jewelled as far as I remember.)
I can take it up with marketing, see if there’s a new need. ‘The dazzler’, maybe? Shoot, it could have its own laser beams…
You deadpanned this one out of the ballpark, with a non-lethal dose of irony on top, of course :)
Now, get on the ground and put your hands on top of your head while I go out and buy me one of those infernal gadgets :O
Okay, but don’t Tase me, bro! (I just sell the fuckers!)
I’m a well-respected man!
This morning it occurred to me that I had neglected to say that almost all of this post was quoted verbatim from TASER® International’s website and videos. (I just added a few twists here and there.) ;o)
Infringement of copyright occurs I would guess a million times a second. I could be way off, maybe it’s a billion times every tenth of a second.
But you are scrupulous, wendydavis, long may you fairly use!
I believe that the copyright laws exclude the use of things (and especially bits, I’d guess) for use in satire, HiDef, though I admit it’s been a few months since I read a lot at Find Law or somewhere about it. Plus, as I said, I tweaked it a bit to suit my sense of the absurd. ;o)
AitchD @ 39 couldn’t have been more clear about your fairness and ethical care.
The Copyright Act and DMCA don’t exclude as such, but make only one exception to the ‘exclusive right’ of copyright, known as fair use, which is carefully spelled out. It’s the fair use language that excludes several instances of copying and reproduction from the exception, but none of those include written, printed, or digitized published text. (And the federal government cannot own a copyright. All federal publication is public domain.)
A user’s sense and claim of fair use, say, for satire or parody, is insufficient protection from an infringement suit by a copyright holder (of course, only the copyright holder can legally claim infringement, although third parties can delete a user’s work under the Scaredy Cat TOS Agreement). Except for arriving at a settlement, the federal court decides.
What’s good about the DMCA is that the user is entitled to a warning, and in that way is protected from harm and costs.
Sorry, ya lost me, my friend.