Our nation’s children need to adapt to the current zeitgeist, because ‘fitting in’ and being ‘one of the crowd’ is so key to avoiding a miserable, lonely childhood, even tween-or-teenhood, isn’t it? For those of us who walked our own lonely roads as kids, or watched the society around us with unease, even sometimes trying to pass for normal, well, look where that got us, eh? Yeah, it’s still evident that we came from The Land of Misfits, still destined to be Losers in search of a revolution, or chatting with others online because there’s nothing else for us to do at this point. Some of us losers (cough) even posted blogs on Christmas Day, for the love o’ Pete (whoever he is)!

Well, it’s time to give in, I say, and allow our children and grandchildren to be healthier and happier by Walking the Path Most Traveled. Yes, indeed, we have help now, from not only Disney, the NSA, and my friend, Dada-esque NYC artiste Anthony Freda.

I recently discovered the Junior Disney Channel, with its oh so helpful videos like ‘Always Do What the Doctor Says’, because submitting wiling to any authority figure is always easier, not to mention completely advisable in all cases. My aim is to walk you through a few aides relevant to developmental steps and ages, with the caveat that there are those whose development we might consider ‘arrested’.

You will simply lovelovelove Shutterbug Time’s Special Agent Oso, a wee ladybug-sized snoopy-spy drone who sends her data…well, hell, I’ll let her wings do the flyin’:

Also, mi amigo Anthony has come out with a helpful new coloring book for your li’l tots. He reminded me to tell you to make sure that the chirren never color outside the lines. Here’s the ‘New World Order’ page:

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Once the kids are a bit older, and can read fairly well, you can guide them via their iPads to the NSA’s kid website, where they will love to encounter these programs that could help them to choose a career (the NSA has made things age-appropriate; this will be their First Encounter with the Crypto Kids! And believe you me, once they show their friends, they will be instantly popular, and forever!
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The next step is more appropriate for tweens and teens of either gender, and especially those students who may be about to graduate high school. Because what the world needs now is not love, but more cryptographers and friends of the NSA.

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Aha, but you may be wondering about quality family time, I reckon. Never fear. We’ve got it! Mom and Betty, Jr. can snuggle up on the living room sofa and watch Vanna. Betty will learn helpful facts as they play, not to mention some spelling, and some of Vanna’s epic fashion sense.

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Meanwhile, Dad and Eddie, Jr. get cozy in the den, bonding over ‘Battlefield 4 China Rising’. And after they get tired of blowin’ the shit out of China and Russia with Stealth bombers and RPG’s and whatnot, they can joystick the hell outta the China Rising’s MiniDrone; we hear it’s an epic kill program! (Not to mention a future career enhancer, of course.) Oh, dear; it’s not Disney or the NSA; ah well, never mind.

Once the kids are twelve or so, the entire family can have a terrific and edifying time playing ‘The War on Terror, the Board Game’ by TerrorBull Games, Inc.

War on Terror! - the board game

Now if at some point, the kids are still feelin’ funky or fidgety, or exhibiting anti-authoritarian traits…or if they’re askin’ any weird questions about what they’re learnin’ in school, just remember: you can always take them to the doctor, who might be willin’ to dig into his Pharmacopeia for them…or even for you; sharing is good. Believe me, it will make life easier. We all want that, don’t we?

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(cross-posted at Cafe-Babylon.net)

(*all artwork by Anthony Freda except for the NSA’s)