Dear President Obama, Attorney General Holder, Senators Klobuchar and Franken, and Congressman Ellison:
 
I wish to apologize for all the emails I have been sending you on the issue of accountability for U.S.-committed torture. I did not realize that as government officials who took oaths to uphold the Constitution, you were protecting many more rights than those few I was concerned with. I was taking a very narrow perspective of human rights.
 
I now appreciate that one of our most important rights is the right to travel. As the Supreme Court noted in U.S. v. Guest, 383 U.S. 745 (1966), “It is a right that has been firmly established and repeatedly recognized.” And I now appreciate that you have an obligation to protect this fundamental right for U.S. citizens to travel where we want to. 

When I read Saturday’s New York Times article about the Center for Constitutional Rights, the International Federation of Human Rights, and Human Rights Watch infringing on President Bush’s God-given right to travel to Switzerland, I was ashamed of my arrogant attitude about torture. With all the legal rights you have to juggle, it’s perfectly understandable that some have to be dropped. Not to mention with the economy, access to health care, the financial system, progress on global warming, and the Democratic Party all in the ditch, things like accountability for torture have to be left behind.
 
Regarding the Center for Constitutional Rights folks, they wouldn’t know a Constitutional right if their lives depended on it. Out of one side of their mouths, they argue for the right not to be tortured; and out of the other side of their mouths, they try to destroy our right to travel. As for Human Rights Watch and the International Federation of Human Rights, their names say it all. Human rights? What about American rights?
 
I have some contacts, and if you would like assistance in ferreting out these sniveling, sanctimonious subversives, please don’t hesitate to call on me.
 
As you no doubt know, on today’s date, February 7, 2002, President Bush decided that the Geneva Conventions were not legally applicable to al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners. Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, the commander of coalition forces in Iraq at the time of the Abu Ghraib ”scandal,” has said that decision “unleashed the hounds of Hell.” Well, hounds of Hell have some travel rights too, don’t they? God bless President Bush for unleashing them.
 
And God bless the United States of America.
 
Sincerely,
 
Chuck Turchick

P.S. I have thrown away my Swiss Army knife, and there will be no Swiss chocolates coming from this fellow on Valentine’s day.